Iron Underwear and Inoperable Shrapnel

Disclaimer: I have not read any of the Iron Man comics. I just saw the movie. Once. I'm bound to get some things wrong.

Well, I saw the movie Iron Man, and all in all, it was good. I saw it with friends and I liked it.

So:

Start with one immensely spoiled, emotionally undeveloped man-child. Torture him for a couple of months and make him rely on his own know-how to escape. Cook at 450 degrees for fourty-five minutes... oh, wait, that last bit is for my frozen pizza. Anyhow, presto-chango, insta-super-hero.

Oh, and there's shrapnel in his heart, or near his heart. Or something. The fellow who explains it isn't very clear. Something about the itsy-bitsy bits of metal worming their way into in important organs i.e. Tony Stark's heart. So, instead of removing said pieces of metal, some guy, we'll call him Bob-o, constructs an elaborate electro-magnet hooked up to a car battery to keep the killer metal shards from going further into his chest. Now, I may be wrong, but it seems to be that if you just, I dunno, used a stronger magnet, you could just suck all that nasty killer junk right out. And yeah, that would have some problems too, but I doubt it would be more invasive than, oh, I don't know... a giant metal-lined cylindrical cavity carved into the man's chest.

So, now having been on the receiving end of his own weapons, Stark decides to reconsider the whole Merchant of Death job. He runs up against some trouble selling the new peace-sort-of-liking image to the rest of Stark Industries. While being pushed out of the company's daily business, Stark goes to make an unexpected appearance at a Disney-Benefit-for-Orphaned-Firefighting-Puppies (or something) and finally notices that his assistant, Pepper Potts is female... Finally paying attention to her, because she has her hair down and is wearing a backless dress. Obviously, a female can't be an interesting person unless she is also scantily clad.

Despite these things, I really enjoied the movie. It was visually interesting, the CG integrating (to my untrained eye at least) almost seamlessly with the real-life acting. The timing, comedic and otherwise was so good as to seem almost lyrical and it wasn't cut short, which is often a problem with good movies... they end to soon. I enjoyed every minute of it, really, (save for the bits I missed due to my tiny bladder). And I recommend staying through the credits. Really.

I mean it.

It's Still Alive...

(Cloverfield spoilers)

So, I saw Cloverfield the other day, and I am pleased to announce that it was really damn cool. I was worried that the hand-cam style would be jarring, but instead I found it an intersting technique to put the viewer right there with the characters, not really knowing what's going on, not quite being able to see certain things. One thing that's left unanswered is what, exactly, the monster is. Don't get me wrong, they show the whole thing, but the origin is an unknown. Despite the "thing falling in the ocean" that can be seen, I'm of the opinion that it's not an alien. Looking at the viral stuff, it looks like the falling thing was probably the Tagruato satelite.

My theroy is that the Cloverfield monster is actually a giant mutant fish, of all things. Some sort of deep sea dragonfish, like a viperfish, to be more exact. It's mostly the face that makes me think of that: the air-sacks on the side of the thing's head seem to resemble modified gills. Plus, the beady forward-facing eyes along with it's massive teeth.... yeah. That could also be the origin of it having six limbs rather than four.

In any case, the movie was cool. The viral marketing is fun, and J.J. Abrams is still really creative. Plus, in movie form, his ideas don't have time to peter out like his T.V. series seem to do.

So, yes, please do see it. Much with the cool.

Suck it, Jesus!

Just a quick blurb tonight. I was never a big watcher of Kathy Griffin until she pissed off the Catholic League during her Emmy speech. Her new special on Bravo recaps the event and is quite funny. Here's a commercial:

Yo Ho Ho...

...and a bottle of rum, or something.

So I saw Pirates last night. Three hours of rolicking adventure on the high sea, sword fighting and licking of strange objects. Three hours.

It starts with a hanging. A half dosen pirates and associates at a time, while the fellow presiding over the affair reads rights that have been repealed. Thanks, Disney, for that lame sort political commentary, but it didn't jive with the rest of the film. And I realize that they are trying to set up the pirates as the protagonists. I do. But really, I don't care how many singing children they hang, I can't bring myself to feel sorry for pirates as a whole. All geeky refrences aside, a pirate is a person who steals money and goods from honest hardworking people. The government it working to stop them? Good! Stoping criminals is their friggin' job.

That being said I continued to sympathise with Swan and Turner as that main protagonists. The movie continued along the themes of betrayel, vengance and becoming that which you revile. Everyone has double-crossed everyone else by this point, and interaction is laced with mistrust. If only pirates were better at communication.

The film continues the tradition of gritty, filthy and vibrant tapestry of setting that we have come to expect of the franchise. It also follows in the earlier movie's footsteps of taking the previous film's antagonist and making him a sort of sympathetic character. That's right, Captain Cthulhu not only has a love intrest, but he has moved from big bad monster to a sort of oceanic Charon. Or maybe Naglfar. His beau is the spot-faced Tia Dalma also known as the (arguably powerful) goddess Calypso. She gets released from her human form and responds by growing to epic heights before creating a giant swirly to punish everyone involved.

Here's how I figure they got in a fight in the first place: D.J. is pissed because he knows Calypso cheated on him with Jack. He knows this because she gave him crabs which she in turn got from Sparrow. Think about it, really. Crabs were the main motif of the movie. That's why everyone's in such a bad mood: they're itchy.

All in all, I ejoyed the movie. All three hours of it.

Three friggin' hours.